Wife of Bath – Advice Column

Dame Alyson’s Counsel: A Stellar Advice Column for Medieval Maidens Young and Old.

By Alyson of Bath, Wife, Weaver, and Well-Traveled Authority on Men
 
Dear goodwives, maidens, widows, and any woman who hath ever had to suffer the foolishness of
men, I, Alyson of Bath—she who hath buried five husbands and outlived all their nonsense—bring thee counsel drawn from long experience, sharp wit, and a purse well-lined by marital diplomacy.

On Governing Thy Husband (for his own good, of course)
 

Good sister, if thou wouldst have peace in thy household, seek first sovereignty in thy marriage. A man loveth nothing more than thinking himself master—so let him think it, while thou rulest with soft words and sharper wit. Should he grumble that thou art “too bold,” remember: A woman who speaks her mind saveth herself the trouble of speaking it twice. Do not work hard to win their love, but have them wholly in thy hand. Do not care to please them, unless it were for your own profit and pleasure. Cruelly scold them, accuse them wrongfully, so that they may be eager to appease you with riches, land, and gifts. Govern them well, and they will praise thy beauty and allow thy the pleasure of passage abroad. 

On Pleasure and Other Holy Matters
 

Some will tell thee that desire is a sin, that a woman must be meek as a dormouse and silent as the grave. Those people are usually men who fear a woman who knows herself.
Hear my wisdom:

Advice is no commandment! If God had commanded maidenhood, then he had condemned marriage along with it. True, the apostle was a virgin, Holy men and saints alike adopt virginity as commandment. 
Nay, it is up to thy own judgement as maidens. Yes, virginity bestows purity and perfection, but perfection precedes me. Bestow your instruments of pleasure as you please, and love each other well.
God gave us our bodies not only for bearing children but for delight as well. Why else would He shape us so comely? Why else are men so eager to preach to us, yet quicker still to follow us to the bedchamber? Take pleasure boldly, and shame not thine own nature. A merry woman keeps a merry house.

On Age and Beauty
 

Think not that youth alone commandeth admiration. I, Alyson, have gathered husbands with gray in my hair and laugh lines round my eyes—and they all treasured me dearly (albeit sometimes by force of persuasion).
 

Let no maid mock thy years. A seasoned woman knoweth both her worth and how to collect payment for it.

On Sorrow, Gossip, and the World’s Judgment
 

The world will chatter, as sparrows do, every time a woman lifts her voice or makes her choice. Pay it no heed. For every finger pointed at thee, three point back at the speaker, and all three belong to a fool. 

Live boldly, sister. Let thy life be thine own tale—not one told for thee by jealous tongues.

On Managing Many Husbands (if thou art so fortunate)
 

For those who, like myself, find that one man cannot bear the weight of all their virtues:
Remember that each husband requireth a different craft. With a soft man, be gentle. With a stubborn man, be cunning. With any man, keep the keys to the strongbox.

Rotate thine affections wisely. Variety, after all, is the spice that keepeth a widow rich.

God commanded us to grow fruitful and multiply, and made no mention of numeric value. Alas, why should men speak evil of maidens who marry multiple men? Listen women, when your husband is gone from the world, go forth and have many more, without shame or hesitance.
And Lastly, On Womanhood Itself
 

Heed my warning, always be prepared for the future! Set avenues for thy future success, allow thy eyes to wander and seek husbands for the future, God forbid thy current spouse passes. As my dear mother said, every wise woman knows to look out for herself, most importantly. 

Be thou wife, widow, or maiden, know this truth:
A woman who obeyeth blindly liveth half a life—but a woman who leadeth liveth fully.

Go forth, my sisters, with courage, cleverness, and a tongue sharp enough to keep any husband in good order.

Signed with much worldly experience,
Alyson of Bath

Who shall give thee more advice, free of charge, shouldst thou need it.

Year Published: 1395